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Written on: Friday, November 6, 2009 . Time: 11:54 PM
only showed this to BESTEST friend...sigh* 95% true I was never the emotional type. Simple and straightforward, usually. But when it comes to some things, Conflicting feelings emerge, Like in family. I never had a normal family. My mother, who had a horribly depressing childhood. Gave me what she thought was best, Acting but never listening. Striving hard and independently (Terribly hard and independently) For the things she wished she had And gave me. I see the love, But there was no understanding. And there, I started to build a wall around my feelings. I didn’t want to show them to them Anymore. It feels so awkward when they praise me. Shouldn’t I be happy? I barely express my gratitude towards them For all the things they do. But I should. I know I should. My mom repays her mother with million times more love Than her mother can ever Ever repay. For her mother did nothing. My mother Is confused. Was all that she’d done without a cause? My parents aren’t totally obligated, you know? They yell at me saying I’m cold-blooded. I yell back, feeling wrongly accused, But I don’t have an argument, do I? I’m trying, But it’s not enough. Where is my love? Is there any, even? Why can I not get myself to uncover And express this love, Because It feels too awkward. I once really believed myself to be cold-blooded. That I wouldn’t cry for them. But today I ?rediscovered? something. I think it’s love. I’m pretty sure but not really. I cried for them And also cried for myself, Wishing my voice was heard Just once. I try to tell them what’s stopping me. But do they hear me? “You’re heartless!” She told me In tears. My future dream family? A mom: That’s me. A dad: The man I would do anything for And actually do it. The man I can pour all my love into, All the love that could not escape. I imagine The man I would live for. And the man who, of course Makes me most happy. Kids: I’ve learned one thing in life And that is To listen. Now that I think about it, I reason This is why I’m so straightforward. Why I would be so blunt sometimes, To the people I care about And the people I do not, No worrying about the reactions. And then there are times When I talk just to be heard. Everything about me reflects Me. I express myself in all ways possible And let nobody’s views stop me. I waste no time. “Does it look like I care?” “I don’t care if you care.” Simple as that. |
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